It is 1:12am and I am sorting through my makeup. This is the third time I have gone through it, overall. I find myself throwing away foundations I have not used in months and old eyeshadows that are likely expired because you don’t remember when you bought them. I see makeup brushes I never use. I see the same red lipstick multiple times. “No, they’re not the same”, she screams. How did I let this obsession take over me? I hardly wear much makeup anymore and I use a lot of the same products daily. So why do I have more than I need? I ask myself that question a lot, in more aspects than just beauty products. My stock is becoming less and less. I don’t want countless drawers full of lipstick. I don’t need ten foundations. Why does anyone have more than one or two eyeshadow palettes? Why do I need so many nude lipsticks? The cool tones. The warm tones. Throw them away, only keep what is necessary. I remember when I used to think a full face of makeup was beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, it is still beautiful, but I don’t think it makes me beautiful. I embrace the skin tints that still let my imperfections peek through. I like my skin to look like skin. Your flaws are beautiful. I am not bashing makeup. I love makeup, always have. I am just embracing the evolution taking place in me…the me at 1:32am that is throwing out makeup because it does not make up me.

KBS.

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what kind of vibe am I giving off?

Honestly, I have had a weird week in relation to men. I ended things with one for several reasons. It is honestly such a fantastic story but I will save that for a later post, maybe. Request it if you really want to hear about the entire fiasco! Perhaps I will slightly indulge you with an excerpt in this post. Hmm. Anyways, I met a very creepy man on my layover in Los Angeles and my mom told me one of her coworkers (my age) thinks I am the one. Mind you, I have never met this coworker of hers. I do not know what kind of vibe I am putting out into the universe lately, but I really do not like it.

Let’s start with Jared. He was a guy I was fairly interested in last year. The timing was off so he basically ended things and then disappeared. Whatever, it happens. Then this past January, he zombied me (get it?). I decided to hear him out and possibly give him a second chance. I was interested in him before, so why not? The second trial was a complete disaster. He seemed to be lacking a lot of confidence. I felt as though I was doing a lot of the work and that just was not right. He asked me for the second chance and frankly, he blew it. He did not have his shit together at all. He said the word “budget” way too much in seven weeks. He didn’t even officially take me out ONCE. The fuck, bruh! I do not have time to wait around for someone to get it together. I refuse to be that boring and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want.

I was minding my own business, poolside, in Los Angeles on my layover. Here comes this man who would not stop staring at me. He came up to where I was lounging and asked if he could sit by me. I awkwardly said okay. Man, was that only the beginning of the awkward encounter. We shook hands and he kissed my hand (ehhhh). He sat REALLY close to me…uncomfortably close. He asked me about my interests and what I like. I told him I like books and naps, why lie? HA. Then he asked me have lunch with him after a one minute conversation. He was REALLY confident and sure that I was into him. This man could not have been worse at reading body language. I was barely even replying back to him. He interrupted my layover rest period for crying out loud! I only get a certain amount of time away from people on my layovers and he was ruining it. The conversation continued, dull and hardly even cordial. I then told him I would like to go back to reading my book and he asked me if he could kiss me. I’m sorry, what?! I shot him a very solid NO. Quite the odd encounter.

Lastly, there is Alan. Apparently he is a coworker of my mom and he thinks I might be “the one”. Keep in mind that I have never met this person. My mom texted me about Alan and wanted to know what I thought. Let me tell you, the picture I received was the most poor quality. It looked like a myspace picture from 2008. Phones nowadays have way better photo-taking capabilities. He may need a new phone. Besides the terrible photo and lack of interest, I am not willing to date or pursue anything outside of Portland. No way am I even considering any sort of long-distance relationship. Sorry, Alan. Sorry, Mom.

Apparently I am the flavor of the week.

KBS.

Words. His words so sweet. His words so honest. His words on the daily. His words written, not spoken. They are just words. Where is the action? When you say so much yet there is no clarity. The confusion. The horror. The blindness. Do not tell me. Show me. The lacking. The quiet. It is a disappointment indeed. I will not be disappointed again. In the end, your words are just words. So read my lips when I give you my words and initiate my action. Goodbye.

KBS.

The monster.

The monster is alive.

The monster is selfish.

The monster does not care about your feelings.

The monster is not listening.

The monster does not feel your pain.

The monster does not cry for you.

The monster is me.

The monster is you.

 

KBS.

1922 thoughts.

This is what you wanted.

This is what you suffered for, remember.

This is what you endured.

This is what you overcame.

And now it is here, it is right in front of you.

And now you are not so sure this is what you want.

Do I even know what I want?

KBS.

so long february.

February, you have been one savage bitch to me. It has been one hell of a ride this month. So many things just kept going wrong or testing me. I was sick for nearly two weeks and combated strep throat while I was at it. Thank god for penicillin. Not long after that I got really bad allergies. Allergies may seem like no big deal to most people, but when you fly around in a plane for a living, being congested is the worst.

Just when you think getting sick was the worst of it, I got two flat tires on the way to the work a few days ago. Luckily it happened a mere two minutes away from the employee parking lot. I drove my car into the lot and went to work. What choice did I have? I could not deal with it until I got back into town. I had a wakeup time of 3am then I did BWI-LAS-PDX. Once I landed back in Portland I had to deal with those damn tires. Two tow trucks later (because they brought me the wrong one at first) and an hour wait at the tire shop, I was finally free to go home and pass out. Luckily my tow truck and the two tires were completely covered by my insurance and a warranty.

This post is not meant for me to seem like I am whining. You know, look at all of the bad things that happened to me, boo hoo! Quite the opposite. Bad things happen to every one of us. We just have to take what comes at us and deal with it in the fearless way(s) that we can. We are survivors. Next time the bad days come, you tell them “not today, bitch!” I am fearless. I am strong. I am a survivor. Come at me, March!

KBS.